Having a hard time as a new parent? Here’s what a Perinatal Psychologist wants you to know

Written for Her Canberra - Published on 2 March 2023.

Bringing a baby into the world is hard. We are often ripped from the life we once knew and catapulted into the uncertain world of our baby’s wants and needs. This transition can be overwhelming.

That coupled with the high expectations placed on parents and infants, it is no wonder that parents often struggle with the weight of it all.

The following are some common challenges that are associated with this turbulent time of life.

Postpartum anxiety is actually more common than post-natal depression.

Anxiety is typical in the postpartum period. After birth, a natural hormone release occurs which primes women for the care taking of their baby. This natural increase in stress hormone occurs to ensure mothers remain vigilant about threat to their infants.

Despite living in modern times, our brains are still wired to detect dangers such as a lion harming a baby. The trouble is, modern day threats often look like not wanting to leave the house with baby, concern if baby is feeding enough, repeatedly checking if baby is breathing, or fixating on baby sleep (or lack thereof).

This vigilance can sometimes turn into a hyper-vigilance leaving mothers constantly feeling a sense of being on edge or dialled up, draining their physical and emotional energy. This can interrupt the neurochemicals that help mothers relax, sleep, and connect with their babies.

Dads and non-birthing partners can also suffer from Pre and Post-Natal Depression (PND) as well as Pre and Post-Natal Anxiety (PNA).

Often, pre and postpartum depression and anxiety is overlooked in men and non-birthing partners, though postpartum depression is present in 1 in 10 dads/non-birthing partners.

Both can often show up in the same way as it does for women, with men far less likely to report symptoms. Partners who are supporting a partner with depression and/or anxiety are also more likely to experience anxiety and/or depression themselves.

If you notice a personality shift in yourself or in a person who is expecting/has a new baby, encourage them to talk with a GP and or mental health professional. PNA and PND are common and treatable. Asking for help when you are struggling can be the best thing you can do for yourself and for your family.

Comparison is the thief of joy

Modern day parenting is broadcast in such a way that it feels hard to escape. Thanks to social media, we are now very privy to the parenting of others.

Even without social media, it is easy to get stuck in comparison making when we look in on our own parents or sibling’s style of parenting.

The trouble is social comparisons only serve to turn the volume up on self-doubt, feelings of failure and worthlessness. This can exacerbate the already exhausting work of parenting as it is.

If you are finding that precious time for self is spent scrolling Instagram pages of mothers and fathers making it all look a little too easy, I encourage you to reflect if this is the best use of your small windows of time to do something enjoyable/restorative and relaxing for yourself.

The fixation of infant sleep

There is an incredible amount of pressure on parents to have a sleeping baby. Not only is there a societal expression that a “good” baby is one that sleeps well, but sleep-deprived parents are often desperate to find a way for sleep to happen.

The difficulty here is that baby sleep is highly variable and ever changing. Just like there are vast differences in human body shapes, so too are there vast differences in how much sleep a baby will take. Some babies have very low sleep needs, while others can have very high sleep needs. One thing is for sure, there is no one size fits all approach or sleep schedule that fits for all babies.

My biggest recommendation to parents in this phase of life is to observe how they are approaching sleep with their little one and take note if they are allowing the “shoulds” of baby sleep to interfere with their own intuition and well-being.

If days are spent stuck inside fixating on naps, trapped in a dark room rocking baby for hours upon hours and you feel a sense that you are hauled up at home to allow for sleep, it might be that this approach could be impacting on your mental wellbeing.

Getting outside for walks with baby and creating a timetable of enjoyable activities can buffer the effect of excruciating sleep deprivation while also working to improve mental wellbeing for you and your baby.

Help is always available. If this time of life is not as you expected or prepared for, reach out for support. Getting in contact with your GP or a Perinatal Mental Health Professional can make all the difference.